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The bestselling romance novel "50 Shades of Grey" by EL James was nothing if not divisive. Fans of the series are often vocal about their love for its leading male character Christian Grey and central relationship dynamic. When 50 Shades hype was at its highest there was a flood of articles and opinion pieces online that wistfully asked when the author would get to meet their own Christian Grey and be whisked away to a world of opulence and romance.
In response, articles titled "I married Christian Grey" and "I dated a real life Christian Grey" began appearing. These articles offered a less seductive take on the 50 Shades fantasy. These women had met powerful, successful men and found themselves wrapped up in abusive relationships that were difficult or even impossible to escape.
What can we learn from 50 Shades? How much of Christian Grey's behavior mirrors that of abusers? By comparing excerpts of 50 Shades of Grey with a list of common characteristics of abusive partners from NCADV (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence)'s website, we can see where 'romance' becomes red flags.
"To those of you with a Christian Grey, who are loving him into changing; it won’t work.
To those of you desiring a Christian Grey, he is abusive; if you meet a man like him, run away as fast as you can.
To those of you who have escaped a Christian Grey, I applaud you for your bravery." [3]
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Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. [2]
“How did you find me?”
“I tracked your cell phone Anastasia.”
Oh, of course he did. How is that possible? Is it legal? Stalker, my subconscious whispers at me through the cloud of tequila that’s still floating in my brain [...](Ch. 4)
“Did you eat last night?” His tone is accusatory. I shake my head. What major transgression have I committed now? His jaw clenches, but his face remains impassive. [...]
“You’re lucky I’m just scolding you.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, if you were mine, you wouldn’t be able to sit down for a week after the stunt you pulled yesterday [...]"(Ch. 5)
“I’ll just make a call,” I murmur. I just want to hear Kate’s voice. He frowns.
“The photographer?” His jaw clenches, and his eyes burn. I blink at him. “I don’t like to share, Miss Steele. Remember that.” His quiet, chilling tone is a warning, and with one long, cold look at me, he heads back to the bedroom.
Holy crap. I just wanted to call Kate, I want to call after him, but his sudden aloofness has left me paralyzed. (Ch. 10)
2
Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his or her possession. [2]
“I think we should stay in public, on neutral ground.”
He smiles sardonically.
“Do you think that would stop me?” he says softly, a warning.
My eyes widen, and I swallow again.
“I hope so.”
“Come, I have a private dining room booked. No public.” [...]
Placing my hand in his, I slide out and stand up beside him. (Ch. 13)
“I bought these for you,” he says quietly his gaze impassive. “I’ll go easier on you if you accept them.”
I swallow convulsively.
“Christian, I can’t accept them, they’re just too much.”
“You see, this is what I was talking about, you defying me. I want you to have them, and that’s the end of the discussion.” (Ch. 15)
People who are being abused may:
Seem afraid or anxious to please their partner
Go along with everything their partner says and does [2]
3
There are many signs of an abusive relationship. The most telling sign is fear of your partner. If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner—constantly watching what you say and do in order to avoid a blow-up—chances are your relationship is unhealthy and abusive. [2]
“Please don’t be angry with me,” I whisper.
His gaze is impassive; his gray eyes cold shards of smoky glass.
“I’m sorry about the car and the books,” I trail off. He remains silent and brooding.
“You scare me when you’re angry,” I breathe, staring at him.
(Ch. 15)
“Nothing, Mom, I just wanted to hear your voice.”
She’s silent for a moment.
“Ana, what is it? Please tell me.” Her voice is soft and comforting, and I know that she
cares. Uninvited, my tears begin to flow. I have cried so often in the last few days.
“Please, Ana,” she says, and her anguish reflects mine.
“Oh, Mom, it’s a man.”
“What’s he done to you?” Her alarm is palpable.
“It’s not like that.” Although it is… Oh crap. I don’t want to worry her. I just want someone else to be strong for me at the moment.(Ch. 16)
4
“Has that obscenely rich ****er upset you again?”
“No… sort of… err… yes.”
“Just tell him to take a hike, Ana. You’ve been so up and down since you met him. I’ve never seen you like this.”(Ch. 16)
Perhaps if he was more normal he wouldn’t want you, my subconscious contributes snidely to my musings… and in my heart of hearts I know this is true. I turn into my pillow and the sluice gates open… and for the first time in years, I am sobbing uncontrollably into my pillow. (Ch. 16)
I grab my phone. Five missed calls and one voice message. Tentatively, I listen to the message. It’s Christian.
‘I think you need to learn to manage my expectations. I am not a patient man. [...] I worry, and it’s not an emotion I’m familiar with, and I don’t tolerate it very well. Call me.’
Double crap. Will he ever give me a break? I scowl at the phone. He is suffocating me. With a deep dread uncurling in my stomach, I scroll down to his number and press dial. My heart is in my mouth as I wait for him to answer.
He’d probably like to beat seven shades of shit out of me. The thought is depressing. (Ch. 17)
5
When considered in a real-life context, many aspects of the central relationship in "50 Shades of Grey" are clearly unhealthy, even abusive. But where do we draw the line between fiction and fantasy? Some fans of EL James' work say that her work shouldn't be criticized for romanticizing unhealthy relationships as it aims to fulfill a fantasy, not present a realistic situation. However, by presenting a relationship wherein one party lives in near constant fear of their partner, EL James normalizes the most common sign of domestic abuse.
Domestic violence and abuse can happen to anyone, yet the problem is often overlooked, excused, or denied. This is especially true when the abuse is psychological, rather than physical. Noticing and acknowledging the signs of an abusive relationship is the first step to ending it. No one should live in fear of the person they love. [2]
Victims of abuse often make excuses for their abusers, such as "at least they don't hit me" or "I made them mad, it was my fault". When Ana is feeling confused and uncertain about whether or not she wants to be with Christian because of how he's acted towards her he does what many abusers do: cycle to being warm and charming, even to the point of acting like the rough spots never happened.
When a victims of abuse can point at a romantic male lead and say that he reminds them of their abusers, it's worth taking the time to see why.
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Sources, please!